I have to tell you that since I started spray tanning I have had some quite interesting peeps in windows of the landscape of American sexual behaviour. Let me tell you, people tell me some pretty interesting stuff.

In case any members of my family are reading (my two main readers being my father and my cat) get off line now.

Now to me – it would seem pretty obvious that if you have just gotten a spray tan, you have the mist of bronzer on you, self tanner is developing on your skin – you should curb yourself from the overwhelming desire to rub yourself up and down against another human being or a pair of white sheets. It is quite obvious that you are going to get the self tanner on the other person.

I had one upper east side dame call me infuriated that her husband had accidently completely tanned his head during some night time under the covers safari.

Another really smart client confided in me that see had designed a cheetah body suit with a hole cut out, so that if the need for the horizontal mambo became so insatiable that it couldn’t be deferred 6 hours – she was perfectly equipped to deal with whatever “came up” in a hygenic yet suitably cheeky manner. Perhaps we should sell her design with all our other “after- tan care products”?

A really sweet southern belle actually asked me what she should do if her husband “pulled a move on her”? This really cracked me up, I couldn’t imagine that within the structure of a marriage you would not be able to gently say to your partner “not tonight Josephine, my spray tan is developing…but I’m gonna look really hot tomorrow night.” Not in that southern marriage. She came up with a whole deflection method with a very involved scenario about how she was not going to get to the meat and potatoes of sex but how she would fob him off with an appetizer. And then I had to have a vision of that whole proceedings going on in my own head for about two days….this is why shrinks get paid a hell of a lot more than spray tanners.

I have one really embarrassing self tanning story that actually happened to me. It is not to do with sex – but seems appropriate for this particular blog. My daughter was a little tiny baby and I guess got a little too close to me while nursing during the night. the next day I had to get up bright and early to board the Hampton Jitney to head for a weekend in South Hampton. In the flurry of morning packing I guess I didn’t look too closely at my baby – but in the bright summer noonday sun, as I was waiting on some packed corner of Third Avenue, I glanced down at my child and inadvertantly screamed. It looked as if I, queen spray tanner of NYC, had took it upon myself to spraytan a tiny infant. My tiny daughter was tan from head to toe from sleeping squashed up against me. At that exact moment some wretched woman who might have been a clone of Elaine from Seinfeld, uttered (at the top of her lungs) “Oh my god – someone has spray tanned their baby!” I am normally quite calm and even tempered, but I think I took her birkenstock and shoved it, in its entirety, up her nostril.

And so – as my parting message – my spray tanning sermon on the mount for the week – please learn a humble lesson. Be careful where you put your second hand spray tan.

I have been postponing going on a diet since the holidays. I refuse to actually step on a scale in case I frighten myself….but since all the parties, and being bundled up in winter clothes, I don’t feel my best.

Back in November I had been dancing in a ballroom competition – and was planning on wearing a pretty revealing costume. Several of my friends had done this same diet which is called Reset. It is this five day cleanse – where you have vitamins in the morning and evening, three shakes and 2 bars a day – and then you can have a little bit of fruit and vegetables. Normally I don’t have the strength of mind for any self deprivation – but for whatever reason (the threat of having to appear in public in a state of undress) I pulled my finger out from my nether regions, bit the bullet, and decided I was going to commit to this Reset for the required five days. I had tried similar diets before – and had never made it past the first day – so I was a little wary.

The interesting thing was, when I did it back in November – I was really shocked. I was preparing myself to feel weak and miserable – and instead I actually felt pretty human. I remember I was dancing and exercising every day, because of the competition, but I actually felt really energized and good . I wasn’t really hungry – and I just felt really healthy. I remember when the five days were finished last time – I really wished I had been more organized and had more of the shakes and vitamins for re-entry into the regular world. 

So – I just started to do it again this week. I had ordered the stuff awhile back – but I guess it got delayed with the snow. The first night, on my way home, I was a little depressed – I mean it kind of sucks when everyone around you is drinking wine and eating a hearty dinner…..but I had my shake and – honestly – I don’t know what they put in there – but I felt great – and so healthy – I looked patronisingly at all those wine drinking, dinner eaters. I was prepared to take the high road for the next few days. It is kind of easy to do – you just bring the shakes and bars with you – and if you get hungry you can have a little salad or some fruit.

I felt so good this morning – after just 2 days – so I did the totally irrational thing and got on the scale. I was so surprised – it was like the weight just melts away on this stuff. This time I was a little organized and I also ordered the vitamins and some extra shakes for when the five days are finished. The story behind the guy who developed these products is pretty interesting. Apparently a lot of vitamins you buy have very little quality control – and the vitamin is not in the form that is best for your body to absorb – and this doctor is trying to provide the highest quality of stuff to prevent your body from falling prey to all the major degenerative diseases. He also developed all of this skin care line – about the science of what it takes to keep each human cell alive and in its’ very best form.

Anyway – I am so happy to feel like I am getting back to myself again. I am so ready for winter to be done, to feel healthy, to be running outside – and to feel some sunshine.

If anyone is interested in the Reset diet shoot me an email. I really like the results, and I really feel like it is different from a lot of generic get thin quick products. You know, because I am always talking to people in their knickers (or less) conversation often lands on the topic of weight, diet, body image. Because I really like this product myself I am going to start to sell it in Brazil Bronze – and I am happy to share all the details – and help support anyone who wants to try the five day diet. Hell – I know a spray tan can make you look five pounds thinner – but the Reset diet and a spray tan together could make you look ten pounds thinner – and who doesn’t want that?